I wrote about Trauma Bonding in Part One of this series. As in that post and others in this section of my blog dealing exclusively with “Divorce and Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS),” I am referencing articles and insights from British psychotherapist, Karen Woodall.
In one of her latest blog posts titled, “Understanding Hidden Child Abuse at Home,” she writes again about trauma bonding. The first sentence is revealing: “In every family court case I have worked in, the children have been suffering from hidden abuse at home, sometimes by a parent who is knowingly harming the child, sometimes by a parent who is completely unconscious of the harm they are causing…” The bolded emphasis is hers.
This is a remarkable statement—in every family court case she has been involved in, children affected by parental alienation (a term she has now abandoned for “childhood relational trauma” ) is due to “hidden abuse at home.” In other words, 100% of the family court cases she has been involved in all share the same pattern of hidden abuse in the home.
In the same paragraph she writes concerning social workers who “…do not understand how children behave when they are trauma bonded to abusive parents…” As shocking as this may appear that professionals who should know the signs of abuse, both hidden and overt, are in the dark when it comes to correctly identifying this hidden abuse, it is not surprising to me: as a parent who was—and still is—adversely affected by the horrors of parental alienation in my own family for the past 20 years, it took me years to begin to understand what was happening to my children. In fact, to this day, I still feel I don’t fully understand the complete scale of this insidious and traumatizing form of child abuse on my now adult children.
“In every family court case I have worked in, the children have been suffering from hidden abuse at home, sometimes by a parent who is knowingly harming the child, sometimes by a parent who is completely unconscious of the harm they are causing…”
Karen Woodall
It gets worse. If social workers and parents suffering the effects of Parental Alienation (PA) fail to connect all the dots with this form of child abuse, and if the perpetrators of this abuse—the alienating parent—do not understand and recognize what they are doing (as we read in the first paragraph as well), what does this mean for the children suffering from this pathology? The answer can only be that they don’t know themselves what is happening to them either. It is no wonder why Woodall describes this pathology as “hidden abuse.”
There is a saying, “ignorance is bliss.” Though this might be true in some cases, it is certainly not true when it comes to correctly diagnosing and understanding this problem, for all the parties involved in this tragedy—and most importantly the suffering children—must understand what is going on in order to have any hope of coming out of this nightmare and have a fighting chance of healing from it.
As mentioned elsewhere in this section of my blog, I have three daughters who, for the most part, I have had little to almost no contact with in the past 20 years. My youngest I have not seen at all in this time—not once. She was eight years old the last time I saw her and she is now 28.
Do any of them know about this “hidden abuse” they have suffered at the hand of their pathologically disturbed mother? I would have to say no. While it is possible, I assume, they may have some inklings of understanding, I don’t believe any of them, and especially my youngest, have the understanding they need to begin their long, healing journey out of the darkness they have been living in for two decades. I do believe, though, and I hold this strongly, that in due time, each of them will have their eyes opened. Unfortunately, I do not believe I will live long enough to see that wonderful day.
What will it take for my children, and others like them, to “see the light”? Woodall provides one of the first clues in this article: children’s “alignment and rejection behavior in divorce and separation…”
She further writes, “Alignment and rejection behaviour, in which a child refuses or rejects a relationship with a parent they have been attached to…,” is one clue to the child that something is wrong. Put another way, if a child has strongly aligned themselves with one of their parents and simultaneously and without valid reasons has strongly rejected their other parent whom they once loved and cherished, this is one of the first signs this child or children are being abused by the parent they are aligned to. The paradoxical nature of this fact is stunning and counter intuitive, which will help to explain why it is “hidden abuse.”
In the case with my three daughters, it was clear each of them loved and cherished me, as I did them. I delighted in them and enjoyed spending as much time as possible with them. I taught them to read, swim, tie their shoes, played games with them, did puzzles together, read them stories, took them on walks—all these and more too numerous to list.
“Put another way, if a child has strongly aligned themselves with one of their parents and simultaneously and without valid reasons has strongly rejected their other parent whom they once loved and cherished, this is one of the first signs this child or children are being abused by the parent they are aligned to.”
And I know they loved and cherished me as well. Were we a perfect, story book family with no bumps or bruises along the way? Of course not, and though we had our rough patches like every family does, my children and I loved one another.
But after my ex divorced me a second time, she began the same pattern of “divide and conquer” with my children in the same way when we were divorced the first time; in that brief marriage, we had one child. But her strategy of separating me from my first born began in earnest, and she kept me from her until I had my attorney file the necessary paperwork to stop her. And during this first divorce, my ex would falsely accuse me of sexually molesting my daughter in the same way she would accuse me of doing the same revolting, criminally behavior during our second divorce.
I go into some detail concerning these terrible times and accusations throughout this blog section. I of course witnessed, first hand, the turning of all three of my children against me during this second divorce. I saw their love for me turn into hatred and replaced with total, 100% rejection towards me not only as their father, but as a human being. I became worthless and nothing in their eyes, despised and reviled as human garbage to be cast out like one tosses out the trash.
What happened? Can my children understand and perceive the clues to their “alignment and rejection behavior”? In this case, it is “alignment with their mother and rejection of me, their father.” The very clue which can open up their hearts and minds to see how they were abused to such a degree that they would turn against their own father is a truth still hidden from them.
As I mentioned earlier, it is possible they are beginning to see the light. There may be a flicker of understanding of what has happened to them.
Woodall continues: “The covert patterns of behaviours which cause a child to strongly align and cling to a parent, are often hidden away behind a public presentation which is seemingly co-operative. The parent who, for example, is very keen for the child to have a relationship with a parent ‘if only the parent would mend their ways‘ is often the same parent who is revealed after close observation, to be creating a double bind for the child – ‘if you love me, you won’t leave me’ or ‘choose me or choose your other parent, you can’t have both‘ being strong themes which are seen to be conveyed to children in the inter-psychic relationship. The public persona of such a parent, which seems to be co-operative is paired with a hidden self which is often controlling and enmeshing (behaviours which often go hand in hand). Because we cannot see what happens behind closed doors, anyone who is working in this environment has to be able to observe carefully to monitor patterns of behaviour which demonstrate that there are covert parental behaviours which translate into control of the child’s behaviour (the child does what the parent signals they must do rather than what the parent says they must do).”
In the above paragraph, Woodall mentions “…covert parental behaviours which translate into control of the child’s behaviour…” Covert is defined as “not openly acknowledged or displayed.” What is an example of a “covert behaviour”?

An example could be a situation where a parent subtly manipulates the child’s feelings towards the other parent, while outwardly appearing cooperative. For instance, a parent may say they encourage the child to spend time with the other parent, but their actions or indirect messages convey something entirely different, such as:
- Passive resistance: The parent may delay getting the child ready or make excuses for why the child shouldn’t go, subtly communicating that time with the other parent isn’t important.
- Emotional manipulation: The parent might say things like, “I miss you so much when you’re with your Dad,” which creates a feeling of guilt in the child, leading them to reject the other parent.
- Undermining: The parent may undermine the other parent by making critical comments about them when the child is around, fostering a negative perception, even if the remarks seem benign on the surface (“Your dad never liked going to your games, did he?”).
My ex used this tactic like a seasoned pro. I remember when it was my time for the kids to spend time with me and they wouldn’t show up or were late, I would call her and ask what was the reasons for the delay. “They don’t want to come over,” she would reply.
“Well,” I would answer, “obviously you are influencing their decisions to not want to spend time with me.”
She would answer something like, “I never influence them at all. I can’t force them to do something they don’t want to do; it’s their decision.”
Oh, what I would have given to be a fly on the wall at my ex’s house during these times, and to hear these conversations she and our kids were having! What covert signals was she undoubtably giving them of her disappointment whenever they were to come over to my house. What mind games was she playing with her own daughters to turn them against me, to let them know she was not happy with them for even expressing the slightest interest or desire of wanting to spend time with their own father?
Sometimes my ex would admit her alienating behaviors with our daughters, no doubt not understanding what she was saying. For example, she said to me on at least one occasion, “We never talk about you. Your name never comes up.”
This is a classic example of “covert behavior.” In other words, I was systematically erased from my daughters lives simply due to the fact my name was not brought up—or at least not often, especially in a positive manner. Now, I’m sure my ex was exaggerating on some levels because my youngest daughter, Aimie, who I have mentioned before, wrote me a handful of emails where she accused me of the most vile crimes and other things I supposedly did, some of which she would have no idea of unless my ex told her and her sisters.
What I believe my ex truly meant when she said my name was never brought up was no mention of me was brought up in a positive light. Nothing was said of me which would instill in my children’s eyes and hearts a positive and healthy view of the kind of father I was, or that my ex carried within her the smallest speck of admiration, respect or love towards me. Any mention of me would have to be clothed in negativity, lies, half-truths, and spun in the most negative way, all done to make it clear to my children I was a man not to be respected or valued.
These alienating behaviors are not overt or direct, but they have a profound impact on the child’s emotional state and can cause the child to align with one parent and reject the other.
“Any mention of me would have to be clothed in negativity, lies, half-truths, and spun in the most negative way, all done to make it clear to my children I was a man not to be respected or valued.”
In my prior post on “The Innocence of Children,” I wrote concerning how children can be taken advantage of due to their immaturity and lack of experience in interacting with the world around them. Alienating parents who use covert behaviors and tactics to subtly taint and turn their child’s heart, mind and emotions against their other parent is an example of these disturbed parents taking advantage of the innocence of their own children to manipulate and control them; it is unconscionable what psychologically disturbed parents can do to their own flesh and blood.
Woodall continues with the article and focuses on trauma bonding. Interestingly, she makes the following observation:
“The greatest mistake that has been made in the literature around alienation and children of divorce and separation, is the idea that the problem we are working with is the child’s alienation from a parent, it is not. In my extensive clinical experience, the problem we are resolving when we are working with children who are aligned to abusive parents is the self alienation which is caused by their trauma bond to that parent.”
This has particular interest to me due to the fact she takes a different stance from most professionals in her diagnosis of what is commonly called “Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)” or “Parental Alienation (PA).” For over 20 years I have been studying this horrific form of child abuse under these two titles of PAS and PA, viewing this pathology from these twin lenses. Woodall, though, believes these terms to be misleading and not focused on what is actually happening behind the scenes.
I respect and admire Woodall’s perspectives on this issue and am willing to acknowledge her diagnosis and expertise on this subject. She is approaching the problem from a different perspective from most other clinical psychotherapists and experts who I learn from, but science is, by definition, an ever evolving learning and discovering process and not necessarily set in stone; truth is what matters, regardless of the labels which that truth falls under.
In this article, trauma bonding takes center stage. In the section titled, “The Mechanisms behind Trauma Bonding,” she lists four aspects, one of which I found applicable to my situation most pronounced with my middle daughter, Michelle (not her real name): Intermittent Reinforcement:
“Abusive parents may provide love, care, or positive reinforcement sporadically, making it difficult for the child to anticipate their behavior. This creates a powerful attachment, as the child becomes psychologically invested in winning the approval or affection of the abusive parent. The inconsistency leads the child to believe that if they behave in a certain way, they will earn more moments of love, thereby deepening the bond.”
What exactly is “positive reinforcement sporadically?” This is a curious statement. I interpret it to mean the alienating parent is not always consistent in their interactions with their alienated children. Sometimes they are positive and encouraging to the children and sometimes they are not. While this might be common for other parents as well, the AP uses it to coerce and control their child.
For example, when the alienated child returns from her time with her father and is happy when she returns back to her mother, this child may be coldly received. The AP does not want to see the child happy or hear about the wonderful time she had with her father. Rather, she wants the child to return unhappy and miserable because, after all, the father is the “bad guy” and the only reaction from the child from spending time with such a person would naturally be depressive and gloomy.
Thus, the mother may greet her happy child stiffly, with indifference or even coldness, tacitly showing her disproval of the child’s happiness. If the child returned to her mother looking sad, the mother might respond to the child’s sadness with support and “love bombing,” wrapping the child in her arms and offering an abundance of warmth, care, and encouraging words, reinforcing the message to the child that what the mom wants to see and hear when the child returns from the hated father is a response commiserate with the negative experience with the dad: gloom and unhappiness. It is all so twisted and counterintuitive to how events should normally play out.