Induced Psychological Splitting (Part Two)

I want to continue with my previous posts on “splitting” in general and “induced psychological splitting” in particular, concentrating on the work of British psychotherapist Karen Woodall.

I want to continue exploring this topic because I believe Woodall offers valuable insights into understanding—and potentially healing—this damaging, highly destructive condition that affects children caught in the crossfire of acrimonious divorces.

Another reason for sharing Woodall’s teachings and perspectives is my desire to be well-informed about the various theories and clinical practices surrounding alienation in children of divorced or divorcing parents. This issue is controversial in some circles, sometimes as contentious as the fractured relationships between a separating husband and wife and their children during high-conflict divorces.

British and American mental health experts often hold differing opinions on Parental Alienation (PA), and this is true with Woodall. For me, exploring these differences enriches my understanding of this complex topic, as it highlights perspectives the American side might overlook, and vice versa.

This desire and willingness to hear both side of this important issue is also keeping in line with my passionate desire to be a critical thinker, as I have often emphasized in many places throughout my blog. A mind which is open to learning from all truthful sources is one in which wisdom has the best chance of taking root with the hope of ultimately bearing fruits contributing to a life marked with eudaimonia.

Woodall writes in the above linked article: “It is the treatment of this psychological and emotional harm of children which I have been involved with over many years, it is this which I continue to work with in court and it is this which is our focus at the Family Separation Clinic. Over the years of doing this work, I have come to recognise that the emotional and psychological harm that we are working with, is caused by the defence of psychological splitting in children which is induced by their fear and anxiety of a parent who is pressuring them in some way to align with them. This is the fundamental problem which underpins the child’s behaviours of alignment and rejection and the recognition of that does not require a label of parental aliention at all. What it does require when the pattern of behaviours which tell us that psychological splitting is in play…”

Let’s focus on the sentence: “Over the years of doing this work, I have come to recognise that the emotional and psychological harm that we are working with, is caused by the defence of psychological splitting in children which is induced by their fear and anxiety of a parent who is pressuring them in some way to align with them.

Woodall writes of the negative influence of a parent, who by their fear and anxiety, is transferring this fear and anxiety onto their child or children, pressuring them, inducing them, to align with them against the other parent. This emotionally and psychologically unhealthy parent is the driving force behind the children joining him or her in a concerted effort to drive the other parent—the alienated or rejected one—out of their lives.

The innocent children, though, who love both their parents, do not want to join this unhealthy parent in his or her campaign of denigration against this other loved parent. But if they resist, things do not go well with them in their household with this damaged parent. The only way to have any semblance of peace in their home is for the children to “split” their feelings for this once beloved parent and join in the delusional world of the alienating parent. These children then become like the alienating parent as they are increasingly drawn into the black hole of one of their parents psychosis.

This process of aligning with the unhealthy parent drives the harmful patterns that develop in the children. They don’t naturally want to hate or reject their other parent but are compelled to do so. They’re forced to shut down their normal feelings of love and attachment to this parent, forced to lie about them, and forced to harbor feelings of hatred and resentment that contradict their true emotions.

Over the years of this kind of tension and—being children—their minds cannot cope with this tension. To protect themselves from having a complete mental breakdown, they “split,” which helps them to survive the emotional and psychological war zone in which they live in. Split children show a false self to the other alienated parent and not their authentic self which has been buried deep within the induced psychological splitting forced upon them by the alienating parent.

No healthy or normal parent would put their children through this. Something must be deeply skewed and broken in the mind of an alienating parent who would subject their own child to descend into such hatred and vilification for their other parent.

I’m reminded of that movie, “Life is Beautiful (La vita e bella),” by Roberto Benigni that came out in 1997. The story revolves around a Jewish father who tries to protect his son from the harsh realities of their situation in a concentration camp during World War II by creating an imaginative and hopeful world around them.

I didn’t particularly like the movie because I don’t like movies or television shows employing unrealistic humor or events of the Holocaust. This noted, it has value in the telling of a story of the lengths a loving father will go through to protect his child from the living hell the son is being forced to endure.

The father in this movie knows the terrible and horrific psychological toll his son will be forced to go through in this concentration camp, so he spins this elaborate game in order to shield his son from the terrible effects of their situation.

In contrast to the father in the movie, who went to great lengths to shield his son from the Nazis, the alienating parent’s psychologically twisted mindset places themselves at the center of their own “divorce holocaust,” failing to protect their children from the destructive effects of family estrangement. Ironically, this is often the same parent who initiated the divorce, adding yet another dark, immature, and fractured element to their thinking and actions.

In a disturbing reversal of priorities, this parent uses their children for personal gain instead of shielding them from harm. This twisted approach defies the fundamental understanding of a parent’s role in nurturing and protecting innocent children—a bizarre and harmful distortion of normal parental responsibility.

To make matters worse, these misled children come to view the alienating parent as the healthy, loving one and the alienated parent as the villain. This complete reversal distorts reality in a profoundly harmful way.

Imagine the psychological toll on children forced to suppress their natural, healthy feelings toward the alienated parent, “switching off” their love in order to adopt the alienating parent’s distorted perspective. It’s understandable that many of these children seek mental health support as adults, struggling with unhappiness, emotional instability, low self-worth, trust issues, and frequent relationship failures.

Interestingly, my study of Parental Alienation has shed light on my own lifelong struggles with trust, failed relationships, and personal mental health. Growing up with a narcissistic mother and abusive father and stepfather laid the groundwork for many of my life’s failures and regrets.

In fact, recognizing the depth of my childhood wounds is one reason I haven’t dated in about 15 years. Looking back at my history of failed relationships, I realize I lack certain fundamentals crucial for healthy, lasting companionship.

This is one reason I have never completely blamed my ex-wife for the failure of our two marriages. Yes, it is true she instigated both of them and was the driving force of breaking up our family. As mentioned elsewhere in my blog, I knew divorce would be the very worst possible scenario for our children and I wanted to avoid it at all costs.

And though I was not a perfect husband and was always willing to admit my failures and was intent on being the best husband and provider I could be, stepping back and looking back on my lifetime of other failed relationships, I have to ask myself, “Roy, what was it about you that might be a common denominator of all these failures?”

The answer, of course, is my own psychological makeup, my own mental health issues, my own deep woundings as a child which I never understood prevented me from being a “normal” life partner. And, to be honest, perhaps these woundings have contributed in some tangible aspects to the current mental health struggles of my alienated children.

Children experiencing the dissolution of their families due to divorce encounter a range of psychological challenges. These difficulties can be intensified by any mental health issues their parents bring into the marriage. It is crucial to pinpoint and understand the origins of these challenges for the affected children. This understanding is essential for their eventual healing and for them to move beyond the pain of the difficult circumstances in which they find themselves entangled.