When we lose someone we love, the anguish can be all-consuming and heart-wrenching. Grief penetrates the deepest recesses of our minds, creating an indescribable pain that words often fail to capture. The heartbreak of such a loss may be the most profound and devastating agony a person can endure.

Grief, as defined by the American Psychological Association, is “the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person.

Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future. Intense grief can become life-threatening through disruption of the immune system, self-neglect, and suicidal thoughts.

Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.“

For alienated children who are separated from a now rejected parent, grief takes on an even more complex and traumatic dimension. They grapple with a unique sorrow, entangled with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and bewilderment. Their loss is not the result of death but the forced absence of a living parent. This type of grief, known as “ambiguous loss,” is particularly insidious because it defies closure.

Alienated children often experience physiological distress, including headaches, stomachaches, and other stress-related symptoms. Separation anxiety can become acute as they grapple with the enforced distance from their rejected parent. Confusion arises from the conflicting messages they receive from the alienating parent, which clash with their own memories and feelings about their other parent. Yearning becomes a constant companion as they long for the lost relationship and the sense of security it once provided.

“Grief may also take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.”

The American Psychological Association

Obsessive dwelling on the past is common, with children frequently replaying memories and trying to understand why the separation occurred. Apprehension about the future is also prevalent, as they worry about whether they will ever reconnect with their missing parent and what that might mean for their identity and well-being.

This intense form of grief can lead to significant psychological and physical health issues. The disruption of the immune system, caused by chronic stress, can make children more susceptible to illnesses. Self-neglect, whether through poor hygiene, eating habits, or general lack of self-care, can become evident as they struggle to cope with their emotions. In extreme cases, the overwhelming nature of their grief can lead to suicidal thoughts, highlighting the urgent need for intervention and support.

Additionally, the grief of alienated children often includes regret for the lost time and experiences they could have shared with their missing parent. There may be remorse for any actions or words that contributed to the estrangement, even if they were influenced by the alienating parent. Sorrow for the mishap of being caught in a parental conflict adds another dimension to their grief, as they grapple with feelings of powerlessness and injustice.

The grief experienced by a child separated from a once-beloved parent often goes unrecognized by the alienating parent—the very person responsible for the alienation.

This is one of the many counterintuitive and psychologically damaging aspects of Parental Alienation (PA). An alienated child, whose maturity and cognitive processes are still developing, cannot fully grasp what is happening to them or their deteriorating family structure. Their natural grief and bereavement over the loss of a once-loved parent are often ridiculed and berated by the alienating parent, who dismisses these normal feelings of attachment and loss.

Parental Alienation (PA) forces children to suppress their grief, burying powerful feelings of loss due to fear of harsh reprisals or even ostracism from the alienating parent for expressing such emotions.

Understanding the profound damage inflicted on these children is challenging. Adults know the immense pain of losing a loved one and the emotional turmoil it causes. Children and adolescents, however, face the added burden of an alienating parent who forbids them from expressing love or mourning for the other parent.

How can a child begin to heal if they are not allowed to take the first step on this difficult journey?

Consider an example from my life illustrating children’s attachments to even pets:

A relative and her husband considered moving to Tucson to join my business. They worried about the emotional impact on their two teenage sons if they had to leave their pets—a goldfish and a cat—behind. I was initially speechless, thinking it absurd to grieve over a goldfish. I could understand the emotions over leaving a cat behind in the move, but a goldfish?

This humorous vignette underscores an important point: children, even near-adult teenagers, experience grief and loss differently from seasoned adults. While grieving a goldfish may seem perplexing to us, it reminds us that grief manifests in unexpected ways.

How can a child begin to heal if they are not allowed to take the first step on this difficult journey?

If a teenager can grieve over a goldfish, what does this say about the grief an eight or nine-year-old might feel losing their father in a contentious divorce?

If I’m insensitive to a teenager possibly losing a goldfish, what does it say about an alienating parent who disregards their child’s grief over losing a parent through divorce?

It’s difficult to equate the loss of a parent with the loss of a goldfish—or even a cat. While insensitivity to a child’s grief over a goldfish may be excusable, failing to understand a child’s grief over losing a parent is inexcusable.

A parent who does not allow their child to grieve the loss of the other parent is profoundly disturbing. Any parent who cannot support their child’s need to express feelings about losing a parent lacks something crucial in their makeup and moral compass.

Worse still is a parent who mocks their child’s sadness over no longer seeing the other parent. This is unfathomable cruelty.

Grief has phases: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These phases are normal in processing emotional pain. Children, like adults, need a wise and loving adult to help them navigate this process.

Even with a supportive adult, the healing process for grieving children is difficult. This caring adult must recognize the long journey a grieving child might take to fully cope with the loss of a parent.

In normal circumstances, this supportive adult would be the other parent. If, for example, the father died in an accident or from illness, the mother, though grieving herself, would comfort the child, providing strength and support.

Over time, the child would find strength in the mother’s ever-present support, aiding in their healing process.

In PA, however, the alienating parent often causes and fuels the separation. If the mother is the alienating parent, the child’s primary source of comfort and healing is removed. The mother, who should be a refuge, becomes the engine of hate fueling the loss.

This confused child cannot heal without knowing how. The alienated parent, who could bring needed healing, is erased from the child’s life, leaving the child to deal with insurmountable grief alone.

In PA, the extended family of the alienating parent often turns against the alienated parent and their family as well. Where will this child find help and healing in such a situation?

Consider how difficult this would be for an adult. Now imagine a child, without the mature tools to understand and process their grief, facing this nightmare scenario.

This environment fosters mental illness in children. Unable to process their overwhelming grief and without comfort from family, children’s minds develop primitive defense mechanisms like splitting to distance themselves from their unresolved pain.

These defense mechanisms are not healthy ways to deal with grief but are forced upon the child due to a lack of proper support. When a grieving child cannot find comfort and guidance from a supportive parent, and that parent is the source of pain, deep psychological damage occurs, forcing the child’s mind to resort to unhealthy defenses.

Alienated children, suffering from the unresolved grief of losing an absent parent, require healing. To bring about such healing requires a loving, wise, and tender heart from a mature adult who understands the difficult twists and turns of the grieving process such hurting children will need to pass through.

These children must be allowed to explore and deal with their grief, to have the freedom to ask difficult questions if such questions are needed to be asked as part of their healing process. And if nothing else, perhaps this post on unresolved grief will give some children—even if they are now adults—the power to allow themselves to know it is okay to be hurt because of the absence of a parent they once dearly loved and cherished.