Throughout my life, I’ve been amazed by the impact different people have had on me—some influences were positive, while others led to unfortunate outcomes. What makes this more concerning is that, in the moment, it’s often difficult to tell whether the advice or influence we’re receiving is beneficial or harmful.
Let me provide an example from my own life. As a young man, in my late teens and early twenties, when I was embarking on a religious/spiritual quest that continues to this moment, I began attending a number of churches.
The first one was Catalina United Methodist Church (CUMC), located on Speedway here in Tucson, AZ, where I was born and raised. I spent several formative years there, which had a deep and lasting impact on me. I met several people at the church who, like me, were young and searching for spiritual truth and meaning. One of those individuals, in particular, has remained in contact with me to this day.
From CUMC, I next went on to a far more conservative and fundamentalist church called “Casas Adobes Baptist Church,” now called “Casas Church.” When I was attending this fellowship, it was pastored by Roger Barrier (now deceased). At the time, I admired him so deeply and held him in such high regard that it almost bordered on idolatry.
It’s challenging to convey the full extent of Roger Barrier’s influence on my life during this pivotal period. His teachings had such a profound impact on me that I consider them one of the foundational cornerstones of my Christian faith and belief system at that crucial time in my spiritual journey and development.
Barrier was one of the most skilled and insightful Bible expositors I encountered during my time as a Christian. His teaching style and approach to scripture resonated deeply with me, to the point that I could listen to his sermons for hours—which I frequently did. Back in the 1980s, when Barrier’s sermons were recorded on cassette tapes, I would collect them and spend countless hours absorbing his teachings.
I still remember and can easily quote some of his maxims: “The pleasure of the planting is not worth the pain of the harvest” and “Satan always hides a pint of poison in a lake of truth.” To state the obvious, his impact on my life was nothing short of profound.
However, though his teachings were long lasting, stretching for decades into my life, they were not all permanent. As I matured and encountered the harsh realities of life—the cruelty and unfairness that often come without warning or reason—Barrier’s teachings started to crumble under the weight of my daily experiences. The version of Christianity he taught didn’t offer the support or solutions I needed for the trauma and challenges I was facing. In many ways, his teachings seemed unrealistic and even counterproductive, full of lofty ideals and “pie in the sky” promises that felt disconnected from the brutal, gritty realities I had to confront.
I write the above to provide some foundation for the reason for today’s post: the role of therapists in today’s society, and in particular, the role which therapists play in the lives of adult children who have found themselves in the unenviable position of Parental Alienation (PA).
Such children often seek help for their confounding issues by going to therapy and seeking advice and direction from these professionals. But as most people intuitively understand, all therapists are not created equal; some are better—much better—than others, which means some provide wise counsel while others provide disastrous counsel. And finding the wise and experienced counselor/therapist who can heal wounds and frayed relationships is a challenge all in itself.
There is much talk of “boundaries” in today’s society, particularly with young people. The concept of “healthy boundaries” has gained a lot of attention in modern psychology and counseling, often being seen as a key to emotional well-being, self-care, and healthier relationships. It’s frequently emphasized in therapeutic practices, self-help literature, and popular psychology as a way to manage interpersonal dynamics more effectively.
In its simplest terms, a boundary is an emotional, physical, or mental limit we establish to protect ourselves from being harmed, overextended, or manipulated. Healthy boundaries are considered a sign of self-respect and mutual respect in relationships. They define where your space ends and another person’s space begins, allowing for a balanced give-and-take without crossing personal comfort zones.
Two types of boundaries are:
- Emotional boundaries which protect your emotional well-being by distinguishing your feelings and responsibilities from those of others, and
- Physical Boundaries which involve personal space, touch, and physical interaction.
One of the main reasons people talk about boundaries in therapy is to avoid emotional exhaustion or burnout. People often overcommit, feel taken advantage of, or struggle with codependency. Boundaries serve as a way to safeguard energy.
The modern mental health field has emphasized that self-care is more than just taking breaks or indulging in relaxation; it also means protecting yourself from toxic environments, excessive obligations, or emotional manipulation.
Healthy boundaries create respect in relationships by clarifying what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. This leads to clearer communication and fewer misunderstandings.
For people who have experienced trauma, boundaries are seen as critical for healing. In cases of abuse, for example, boundaries were often violated, and reestablishing them is a key step in recovery.
While setting boundaries is often necessary when dealing with problematic or controlling people who exert undue influence, it can sometimes be taken too far. A concerning example is when therapists or counselors advise adult children affected by Parental Alienation (PA) to completely cut off contact with the alienated parent. These therapists may label the parent as toxic or harmful, deeming their continued involvement as a threat to the child’s mental well-being, even when such drastic measures may not be warranted.
To be clear, there is a point in certain extreme circumstances where a child’s relationship with a parent is so unhealthy, dangerous, and toxic it demands an immediate break with that parent in order for the emotionally and psychologically damaged child to begin to heal from that parent’s caustic influence. And in cases of physical or sexual violence against the child, a permanent and complete separation can be necessary—even mandatory for the safety and health of the child. We can all agree with this common sense wisdom.
But where this “boundary setting” becomes problematic and possibly lead to lifelong, negative ramifications is when the therapist/counselor goes too far and advises the alienated child to immediately and permanently cut off all contact with one of their parents under the rubric that such advice is critical to the longterm health and healing of that child’s mental and emotional stability.
This happened to me. Over four years ago, in August of 2024, after having no contact with my oldest daughter Angie (not her real name) for over a decade, I again reached out to her in the hope of initiating some type of contact. Here is my email to her:
Hi Angie:
I’m sure this will come as a shock, but I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing?
Dad
Her response:
My boundary is that I do not want to have contact with you or a relationship with you.
Way too much pain has been caused by you, and way too much time has passed between our last conversation, for it to make sense to talk again.
When I send this email, I will block your address.
If I ever change my mind, I will reach out to you.
In the meantime, I request that you do not contact me again unless I contact you first.
-A
Notice the abrupt, impersonal, and disrespectful introduction of her reply: no “Dear Dad” or “Hi Dad” or any indication she was replying to her own, biological father or that she was responding to a fellow human being—just a dehumanizing launch into her reply.
Then, and this is a bit better than her lack of an introduction, she signs her name with an impersonal “A.” Not even her full name. More indications of this poor woman’s obvious hate, malice and rage toward her own father which manifests in such an impersonal and dehumanizing manner.
But what is interesting is Angie’s statement of “My boundary is that I do not want to have contact with you or a relationship with you.” Here is this “boundary” I mentioned above. Where did she get this? From whom did she learn this from? Obviously, Angie tapped into this recent phenomena of “boundary setting” and is utilizing it in her response to me.
Again, this was over four years ago. I have not reached out to Angie again out of respect to her clearly stated demands: she made it transparently clear and obvious to me she wants zero contact with her own father. Her painful, unwarranted, and total rejection of me has been acknowledged and accepted and I will honor her unfortunate request.
I’m fairly convinced Angie received this disastrous advice from someone she trusted and perhaps even paid money to, some counselor or therapist she was having sessions with. Perhaps she read it in a self-help book or read it on some online forum. I’m not certain, of course, but I’m confident this decision of my oldest daughter was not made in a vacuum: she must have been influenced by someone or something to push her onto this course of action.
My first suspicion is, of course, her mother, who has been the main catalyst of separation from me with all three of my estranged daughters. She is, and continues to be, the main, driving force which has come between my daughters and myself. But I don’t have the impression she is the author of this “boundary” idea as this is something which someone is typically introduced to in counseling sessions or reading self-help literature focusing on mental health and relationships. My hunch is Angie learned about boundaries in either a counseling session she went to or picking it up from reading psychological materials or watching videos on related topics.
Years have now passed into decades since I have had much contact at all with all three of my adult children. As I have detailed elsewhere in this section of my blog, I have missed all of their major and minor life’s milestones for twenty years now. The final blow to me came when I was not even invited to my middle daughter’s wedding two years ago, a turning point in my own journey when I knew I had to permanently move on with my life with the expectation I would never see them or have any meaningful contact or interactions with any of them again. Though this was not my choice, I realized it was a decision each and all of them had made many years ago and I finally had to accept it and move forward.
To wrap this up, I return to the heading of this post: Be careful with therapists. Be careful what advice they give to you, because what you truly believe at this moment in your lives is the absolute truth of what you must act upon may one day prove to be the worst advice of your life.
I wish I had someone who would have shared with me this wisdom when I was a young man. In fact, I wish I had someone consistently in my life I could have went to for advice and counsel who could have provided needed perspective on many of the decisions I made which I now wholly reject.
I never had a father or mother, grandparents, brothers, sisters or cousins I could have turned to for advice. Though I came from a large family, we were not the kind of family who were close, except for my beloved sister Mary who died when I was thirteen years old. Though I have sisters who are alive now, I have not spoken to any of them for years and, even when we were in brief contact, the relationships were never deep or close. Thus, no substantial advice, for the most part, was either given or received. How much we have all suffered for such dysfunction and lack of closeness.
I had a dream common to most children and adults, to have had a loving, close, and committed family. I missed this opportunity with my own family (my mom, dad, sisters, and brothers) and hoped to have this with my own family (wife and children). This dream was also obviously not in the cards and, I guess, not meant to be. I hope one day I might learn why this was so.
There are holes in my life which will always remain empty; one of the main ones is never having any kind of relationship with either my mom or dad. They are both dead, having passed away years ago. I tried to reach out to both of them before they died and even had my dad come stay at my apartment where he parked his RV.
Unfortunately, it never worked out with both of them and they both died without any of us reconciling. I tried, but it takes effort on the part of all parties; that necessary effort, I regret to say, was not a priority on the part of either of my parents. Now, the doors are permanently closed and the holes will never be filled except with regret and missed opportunities.
I would have done anything to have had a loving and supportive mom and dad in my life. Tragically, as noted above, it was not meant to be. Such is, unfortunately, the way of life for many people.
I contrast my attitude with my children’s attitudes; the distinction could not be more painfully made. While I reached out to my absent parents and tried to reconcile, my children have done nothing of the sort (except for one brief attempt made by middle daughter which ultimately went nowhere). What was valuable and precious to me—a relationship with my estranged mom and dad—is a value not shared with my own kids. They want nothing to do with me and this has been their decisions for over two decades.
Perhaps I am wrong. I always believed a dad was critical in the proper development and long term health of children. This was drilled into me when I once followed the Christian religion, but since leaving, I view many things in a much different way now.
Maybe children don’t need their parents as much as I once believed they did. Maybe a child completely rejecting a parent that would do anything for them is not as harmful as I once believed. Who knows? But perhaps it would do our present society well not to jettison the past wisdom of eons of time which has always emphasized to children the importance of having both parents in their lives.